Category: China

Hol(l)y Crap

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I’ve been pretty fired up for one of my best friends, Holly, to come visit us in China. She was scheduled to arrive Thursday night in Hong Kong, so I had planned lunch with another friend who lives there and booked a hotel for us to stay that night before heading back to Guangzhou on Friday. Thursday morning I woke up to a voicemail from Holly saying her flight was cancelled and she didn’t know when she would arrive. I was so bummed but because I had lunch plans, decided to head to Hong Kong anyway and wait it out. To get to the city I took the train from Guangzhou to Shenzhen, then walked across the customs boarder and hopped on the Metro into the city. When I was exiting the Metro I felt my backpack move. I turned around and saw that some douchebag had my wallet in his hand. I snatched it back and he said “sorry”. Let’s side bar here….If I were a low life, thieving, dead beat like him, I wouldn’t of said ‘sorry’, I would’ve started running with the cash. So not does this guy suck at life, he also sucks at being a loser. I wasn’t going to let him get away with his shenanigans. I grabbed his shirt and decided I would make a citizens arrest. He decided he was going to resist and started running. His shirt ripped and then I had the realization that he could have a knife or turn around and punch me in the face, so I let go. This was my wake up call that I had gotten lax with my travels. No more wallet in the backpack pocket. Lesson learned.

After several irrate phone calls to Delta, I determined that Holly would arrive on Friday at 8:30 am, 11:30am or 7:35pm. I managed to keep myself busy at the airport and take full advantage of their free WI-FI and Facebook access. Fortunately, she arrived at 11:30am and we boarded the bus to Guangzhou. Normally the ride takes 3 1/2 hours, but it was Friday rush hour so it took roughly 6. Poor Holly. After 15 hours of plane I know the bus ride was not fun. The next day we tooled around the city getting pedicures, massages and measurements for a custom suit for her. It was an easy going day which was needed because we were leaving for Beijing early Sunday morning.

We awoke to terencial downpour but fortunately our flight was not delayed. I expected Beijing to be the Asian version of Manhattan. Not the case. The taxi driver had no clue what was going on and the city is laid out like Houston. Sprawling urban areas and everything far apart. Due to Holly’s extensive travel in the US, we were hooked up with a free room at the JW Marriott which included a serious breakfast spread and happy hour dinner and drinks. Big pimpin’ in Beijing. We immediately hit Tiananamen Square and the Forbidden City. They were great sights and we were instantly turned into Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. Everyone wanted our pictures which just made Holly crack up. Both sights were great and had we not been starving and exhausted, we would’ve spent more time. We decided to get a taxi and head to the hotel for a late afternoon nap. As we waked down the street trying to unsuccessfully hail cabs, we chatted about some of the funny cultural differences. I clued Holly into an ancient Chinese secret for potty training children. Just let them walk around without pants or wear the popular, Asian assless pants. I couldn’t have timed it better because no sooner did I say that and I saw a little girl taking a leak in the garden. I laughed, pointed and as soon as Holly looked she saw something horrific. The little girl was not peeing but doing a #2 and Holly just witnessed the whole thing. This would be the focus of many spontaneous outbursts of laughter over the next few days.

Tuesday was almost uneventful and we visited the Olympic Park (super cool) and then got foot massages. Holly wanted a full body massage but the masseuse wanted to give it to her with all of her clothes on and with out any oil. The Chinese are so modest. After that, we were in need of a little fun and went to the bar street which surrounds a lake. There we had beers and ate Roast Peking Duck, the Beijing specialty. We turned in early because the next day we arranged for a private car to take us to the Great Wall and Summer Palace.

We woke up early and were excited about the day which promised to be the highlight of the whole trip. After a hearty breakfast in the Executive Lounge, our driver called to say she had arrived and was waiting outside. We got to the car and she there were other people in the van. Had we wanted to go with other people we would’ve booked a with a group for 200 RMB less. Then the chica advised us we’d be making a stop at the Silk and Jade Factory. I smelled a scam so after reading the girl the riot act, we walked away. Defeated, we headed back to the room and called another driver who gave us there business card a couple days earlier. Same thing. They showed up, no one was in the car this time and tried to take us to the Silk and Jade Factory. Here it was 10am and we have been through 2 drivers already. Instead of walking around and looking for a driver we decided it was time to check with the hotel. The doorman helped us negotiate with a taxi driver and we agreed on a higher (but reasonable) than expected price. Within 30 minutes of dumping our 2nd driver we were finally on our way. And he was fantastic. He took us to the part of the wall that we wanted, made sure we got our tickets, gave us bottles of water and even laughed at my attempts to speak Chinese with him. Totally worth it.

The wall itself is simply amazing. It made traveling to Beijing totally worth it. We went to Mutianyu, climbed until you couldn’t climb anymore, took about a million pictures, sweated in the 100 heat and loved every minute. It was steep, the mountains went forever, and every time we turned around we couldn’t help but say it was more beautiful than the view before. I won’t even low grade the wall by saying, if you ever have the chance to go, then take it. I would say, that the Great Wall is a must see place. Simply stunning, breath taking, heart breaking and totally the most amazing sight I’ve ever seen.

Today was a beautiful day in Guangzhou and we got another massage and did some serious shopping. Tomorrow we’ll be heading to Hong Kong to sightsee and celebrate the 4th of July weekend, American/Chinese/French style – whatever that is.

Check out Beijing’s Greatest Hits by clicking here.

10 Things the Chinese Love

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I love the Chinese people. Here are a few things that they love…..

–Anything really loud. This includes women screaming over a microphone at the grocery store promoting foods on special, music in any retail store, bars and clubs, when talking on the phone and I could go on and on. I’ll be lucky if I get to leave the country without a hearing aid.

–Umbrellas. Don’t leave home without it. We are in rainy season which means it could go from a beautiful polluted, blue sky to 2 feet of rain water on the ground in an hour. But, the even bigger reason to carry your umbrella with you everywhere is to block the sun. The Chinese, women especially, hate getting any sort of tan and go to extremes to prevent it (holding newspapers, books, purses over their heads).

–Heels. I have no idea how these women walk around the city in heels all day long. I can barely withstand them for a night. And forget trying to find a nice, flat sandal for summertime. Heels only.

–Stupid haircuts. The men here need some help. Remember when Posh Spice was doing the side angle thing? Well, it’s a combination of that along with the 80’s poof and dyed blonde. As Paris Hilton would say, ‘that’s hot’. The very moment we buy a new camera, I promise to post a few picks. .

–Stamps. It’s not a valid receipt unless it’s stamped. Try going through customs without 100 stamps on your passport. Everywhere we go, the Chinese are stamping everything they see. Even the entry tickets into our community pool have stamps.

–Man bags. Hell, I’m a call it like I see it kind of girl, so let’s just call it a purse. And they don’t even try to carry the inconspicuous black, leather one. If the man likes pink, he is secure with his manhood and get’s a pink pleather Gucci knock off.

–Bikes. With a city of 12 million, I think it’s great that you are using this green transportation vehicle. I appreciate it, the others on the planet appreciate it and my lungs (that breathe your polluted air) appreciate it. My only suggestion is that you might want to through a few Yuan at a bike that wasn’t made in 1945. I know it still works, but when the frame breaks while your crossing the highway one night, you’ll thank me.

–Badminton, Ping Pong and other stupid exercises. The badminton and ping pong is a little stereotypical but, they really do love it. The school across the street from us has a whole badminton facility and it’s not unusual to see people just playing on a city street. The stupid exercise part cracks us up. Whenever we are in the park for a run we pass people who are walking and swinging their arms from left to right, clapping their hands, holding their arms out in front of them or to the side as they walk, etc. But, I believe their life span is longer than that of Americans so maybe they know something we don’t.

–Squating. And I’m not just talking about when in the toliet (Refer back to my most popular post, It Could Happen to You). Someone told me that another common medical belief is that women shouldn’t sit on the ground. I’m not sure why. But, even the men don’t ever sit on the ground. It’s really funny to see a group of men, in a park, squatting and talking or playing cards. Every time we pass someone doing this, Fabien makes a fart noise. It’s immature, but it never fails to make me laugh.

–Babies. But who doesn’t love babies, right? Well, because they are only allowed one child per family, that baby is oh so precious to them. Every afternoon the grandmothers congrigate with their respective babies and coddle them like crazy.

It’s been a while, so let me give you a few Dollar DVD’s……

New Moon. I drank the Koolaid on the plane over here and bought the Twlight book. To be honest, when I was done, I wasn’t on board and even decided not to continue with the second book. So, when my DVD Dealer suggested Twlight and New Moon to me I bought them but only because there was nothing else I was interested in. I watched Twlight and my feelings were reenforced after it was finished. BUT THEN I watched New Moon and I get it. Team Jacob girls! The story line is so interesting with the wolves and vampires that I’ve watched it three times and decided to read the book. Fabien even said it was decent.

It’s Complicated. Fabien and I both thought this was really good. You probably know the story line, but basically it’s about an ex-husband and ex-wife who rekindle their broken romance. It’s just a really funny movie and Alec Baldwin and Meryl Streep are a great duo.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I know that I am probably the last one to see this film but it just hasn’t crossed my path since this week. I just thought Benjamin was so inspiring and I plan to rematch it to capture some of the great, inspiring quotes. It vaguely reminded me of Forest Gump, but I love that movie too. So, if you are one of the few people who haven’t seen it, watch it!

And lastly, I have a US number that you can contact us at from cell phones and landlines for no charge at all. It’s (248) 556-2826 just remember that we are 12 hours ahead of you.

WTF!?

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Let me just random ramble, rant, rave and vent about a few things…

WTF Lady at the grocery store…Why do you charge me for a plastic bag? Do you realize that I just spent 100¥ in your store? Had I known I was going to have to pay 1¥ for the bag, I would’ve just said “no” (or bu). I know it’s not a lot of money (about 10 cents), it’s the principle. Next time she tries to pull a fast one like that, I’m going ask her if she’d like a butt kicking and then ask her for 10¥ when I’m done with her. WTF Lady at the grocery store.

WTF Little man on the subway….I just got a pedicure and now you step on my foot. If the paint wasn’t still wet I would karate kick you. You should sleep with one eye open because once this pant dries, it’s on like Donkey Kong. WTF Little man on the subway.

WTF Bartender…I know this isn’t a Captain and Coke. Trust me. I’ve had enough Captain Morgan’s in my life to know the taste and this isn’t it. And don’t argue with me telling me again and again that it is Captain. Whatever is in this glass isn’t what I ordered. Stop pretending you know Western liquors better than Westerners. Pour me a new drink before I seriously freak out. WTF Bartender.

WTF Woman at the English bookstore…Let’s have a little talk. I’m in a special little section of the book stored titled “Imported Books”. I know that I asked you if you had a book titled “Living in China”, but it doesn’t mean that I want the book in Chinese. So don’t you dare tell me I need to go to the Chinese book store. WTF Woman at the English bookstore.

WTF Girl in yoga class…Shave your pits. Seriously, WTF girl in yoga class.

WTF Cars. I’m sleeping. Why do you have to all beep on the street below. It’s like you actually believe that the longer you hold the horn down will actually incentify the police to clear the accident more quickly. WTF Cars.

WTF Danny’s Bagel. The name of your restaurant is “Danny’s Bagel” but when we order a bagel you tell us you don’t have any bagels and sell pizza. Could I recommend that you call the place “Danny’s Pizza”? My opinion is that your whole restaurant is one big scham and that your really running a drug op out of the back. I’m on to you and if you don’t get some bagels in this place, stat, I’ll be making a little visit to the Chinese FBI. WTF Danny’s Bagel.

WTF People on the elevator. I don’t understand your logic. Why do you push to get on the lift before the people exit? Really, your actions make no sense. And as a side note, would it kill you if you didn’t star at me the entire ride? I’m aware of the fact that I look different and you invading my space, just so you can get a closer look isn’t great for my self esteem. WTF People on the elevator.

WTF Department store sales lady….You are smoking crack if you think I am paying 500 Yuan for a little sweater. This isn’t Paris or New York City sister. White does not equal stupid but I am honestly questioning your intelligence. WTF Department store sales lady.

WTF Useless woman in the aisle of the grocery store…First of all, I’m perfectly capable of finding the items listed on the overhead sign on my own. Next, don’t tell me the where the bacon is because I’m not even looking for bacon. Do you think that just because I’m American that I love anything dripping in grease and fat? Well, yes, I love bacon but you need to stop assuming things. Step into my office. Why? Because you’re fired. WTF Useless woman in the grocery store.

Thanks for letting me get those things off my chest everyone.