This is my first piece with Conquer magazine and one I wrote with hesitation. Not only did I fear judgement, but worried if there would be any legal consequences considering I live in one of the 18 states where medical marijuana is not legal. As I considered these points, I remembered…I don’t care what the law states. When it comes to my health, happiness and productivity, I’ll do whatever it takes (but know that I fully expect someone to start a GoFundMe for bail if I find myself in trouble with this).
I know that marijuana helping cancer patients isn’t breaking news, but it was a game changer for me. My hope is that sharing my story can open someone’s eyes and mind to thinking outside the standard box of pharmaceuticals to improve their quality of life.
Read Rekindling My Relationship With Marijuana here.
Those of us in cancerland know that cancer isn’t always black or white, and the line separating cancer and cancer-free isn’t always thick and dark. We know that the word remission is a bit taboo, so the goal of this post is to educate the cancer muggles on the gray area where this disease can sometimes rest.
After being diagnosed with a pancreatic neuroendocrine tumor in September 2014, I underwent surgeries and treatments until my body showed no evidence of disease (a favorite term among oncologists). I went along for a year, crossing my fingers the illness would leave my life, but also knowing the statistics behind this cancer and that it would probably make an appearance again.
During those months, I was free of any signs of disease, when a questionable spot popped up in my liver. Radiologists debated whether it was contrast build up, a new tumor, but even the tumor board (an oversight committee) couldn’t come up with a definitive conclusion. My (usually very sensitive) tumor marker remained normal, so they threw me into a dreaded strategy of, “watch and wait.”
I asked my doctor, “So, do I have cancer?” and in a nutshell, he said, “I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. Go live your life and come back in a few months. We’ll scan you again.”
Easier said than done.
Three of months later, I was thrilled when the radiology report concluded the previous spot was gone. “Yup, it was contrast build up. It’s resolved, and everything looks good. Come back in a few months.”
And so I did, but this time, one of my symptoms had begun to reappearing and my blood tumor marker was crawling towards abnormal range. To my surprise, the scans were clear. “Come back in a few months.”
Eventually the uncertainty and anxiety became too much to bare. I decided to reach out to a specialist, who told me his hospital had a new, more precise diagnostic machine that would hopefully help us find the source of the symptoms and blood results. The scan uncovered microscopic tumors too small to show up on an MRI or CT. The news was bittersweet. Bad news: I had cancer. Good news: I now had a definitive answer and could move forward with a new treatment plan, which I executed faithfully over the next year.
I tolerated the new therapy well and it barely impacted my life. Those tiny tumors got even tinier and the blood tumor marker became normal again. At the end of the treatment, I was advised to have a precise scan again, so doctors could see the before and after. However, when I did, the radiology report indicated all the tumors were gone, except one that had progressed. My oncologist and I were both thoroughly confused and sent the images to the specialist for another opinion. His interpretation completely opposed that of radiology report – the disease had indeed shrunk and I was classified as a partial response. “Come back in a few months.”
Ever a faithful patient, I did and was happy to have all doctors agree that the disease continued to retreat. “Come back in six months.”
Navigating opposing interpretations of scans, watch-and-wait scenarios and living life in three-to-six-month increments are a few examples of the uncertainties cancer patients experience. It’s important for cancer muggles to know the true complexity of this disease and that many of us who have walked down cancer street are not always strolling on one side of the boulevard or the other. Sometimes we tread, with caution, down the middle of the road, unsure if we should be on the left or right side.
Welcome to a segment in my blog where I’ll share podcasts, books, videos, products, etc. that (I feel) help me not just survive, but thrive along this crazy road called life.
Words to Live by
This is old news, but worth sharing, watching or reading, everyday or when you’re having a bad day. It comes from Holly Butcher and, yes, it’s a little sad, but it’ll also give you a kick in the pants if you need one.
Here is a passage that captures the essence of the piece:
“Once you do that, get out there and take a freaking big breath of that fresh Aussie air deep in your lungs, look at how blue the sky is and how green the trees are; It is so beautiful. Think how lucky you are to be able to do just that – breathe.
You might have got caught in bad traffic today, or had a bad sleep because your beautiful babies kept you awake, or your hairdresser cut your hair too short. Your new fake nails might have got a chip, your boobs are too small, or you have cellulite on your arse and your belly is wobbling.
Let all that shit go.. I swear you will not be thinking of those things when it is your turn to go. It is all SO insignificant when you look at life as a whole.”
If you’re a reader, the entire Facebook post is here.
If you prefer to watch, an inspired YouTuber, created this beautiful video.
Until we meet again, Hol!
The Anatomy of Trust
Is there anything that comes out of Brene Brown’s mouth that doesn’t make me scream, “Amen,” in response? The answer, No. Not only did it have me think differently about my relationships, but created awareness of some of my own distrustful actions or words.
Anti-Cancer books
A book for those who want to know what to do to prevent cancer… so, basically, everyone. My tumor twin recommended, “Anti-Cancer: A New Way of Life”. I have read many books on cancer, but this one is the most all-encompassing. I love that it does not discount traditional therapies such as chemo, surgery and radiation. Instead it recommends lifestyle choices patients can adopt to compliment these treatments. Some of these things include upping your intake of Omega 3s, why “grass-fed” is so important, a list of specific chemicals to avoid, etc. Over the past few months, I have read a few pages each day. Then last month, a sequel came out titled, “Anti-Cancer Living”. Read carefully and a fellow NET cancer survivor makes an appearance in the new book.
Both are available on Amazon.com
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks
Anyone ever impacted by cancer, AIDs, lupus or another life threatening disease would find this story interesting. Science-y stuff not your thing? No worries, it’s also a great story of a family and their quest for truth. Not a reader? Again, no worries. There’s a movie too.
Upright Go
I fell prey to an Instagram ad for Upright Go, a posture training device that vibrates when you slouch. I bought one instantly out of fear for becoming Quasimodo. I’ve also become motivated to stand straighter after my annual physical revealed I’d grown 3/4 inches since last year. Thank you, yoga.
Previous Can-Sur-Thrives: No. 2
Charged: The Eduardo Garcia Story
Emily McDowell cards and gifts
10 Regrets Too Many People Will Have in 10 Years
Friends From College
Headspace
No. 1
Mitch Albom: The Dying Know the Secrets to a Good Life, Super Soul Podcast
Tony Robbins: Overcome Suffering and Live in a Beautiful State, Super Soul Podcast
Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant
Soul Analyse
What Really Matters at the End of Life, TED Talk by BJ Miller
Stacie Chevrier 