Tag: yacancer

In Cancer, Choose Magic

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87WSyMSm

As featured on curetoday.com

As I drove home after a long day of yoga teacher training with the windows down and the sunroof open, I passed a lake. Behind the lake was one of the most glorious Michigan summer sunsets. In my previous life, I would have kept driving. Instead, I made an illegal left turn into a parking lot, got out of my car and sat on the grass at the water’s edge. Maybe it was too much yoga, but I was feeling so grateful that for the moment, my health, my life and everyone and everything in it. Life was pretty darn magical in that moment.

And then, I almost let three little dots take it all away.

It was just two weeks after the post-yoga, magical sunset when I found myself at the hospital for my routine bloodwork, MRI and CT scan. All survivors know the time between these exams and the day of results can be tortuous. It’s as if time stands still and thoughts of imminent mortality are mixed with the contrast fluid that technicians pump through your body.

Two of these dots are in my lungs, an area that was never scanned before, but my specialist suggested we image them just to be thorough. My local oncologist said, “In a normal person, I would think nothing of them.” Gee, thanks. She explained that she was not too concerned, but we should check them again in a few months, since we’ve decided to be thorough and all.

But the other dot was on my liver and most definitely not there before. This one was more concerning, but the radiologist indicated it was not diagnostic for a recurrence since it didn’t look like typical cancer cells. It could be blood vessels, contrast fluid build-up, nothing or something. My doctor suggested that we wait a week for the blood tumor marker results, which have been one of the best historical indicators for me. Ugh, more tortuous waiting.

My feelings bounced from thunderstruck to anger to not caring for the rest of the day. When I woke up the following morning rested and clear-minded, I knew I had to make a choice. I could choose fear, stress and anxiety or I could choose magic.

I spent the next few days continuing to feel amazing and stronger than I have for years. I went to yoga. I reminded myself that worry is only harmful. I stayed present in the moment and told myself, “Right now, you’re great,” as much as I needed too. I meditated everyday. I ate well. I went to bed early. I enjoyed my life. I spent time with my husband. I played fetch with the dog. I surrounded myself with Tiggers. Basically, I chose magic. Finally it was the the day I knew the results would be ready on the patient portal. I logged in, closed my eyes, took a few breaths and opened them to see that the tumor marker blood results were normal. The next day, my doctor called to tell me the news I already knew. She suggested waiting three months and scanning again. I followed up with my specialist, who concurred with this and felt cautiously optimistic. While a recurrence is still a possibility, it’s always a possibility, and if that day comes, I’ve decided, I will choose magic.

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Living Universal Truths on My Cancerversary

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2014: Me & the “excited” med students

Yesterday, September 1st was my cancerversary.

In 2014 a parade of doctors came in and out of my hospital room using the word, excited, because of the 1 in 10 million diagnosis.  An intern asked if she could use my case as a homework project.  Looking back, it’s pretty fucked up to be doing to someone who was just diagnosed with cancer.

 

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2015: Post swim

September 1, 2015, was a blur along with the previous few months.  I was really sick, but it was my cancerversary and I forced myself to go to the gym for the first time in months to swim for 20 minutes. On the way to the gym and on the way home, I had to pull over to throw up. Also, fucked up.

And here we are  – September 1st of sweet 2016. This year has probably been the most rewarding ones ever and I’m fascinated how different life can be in 365 days, evidence that everything is impermanent.

 

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Perhaps, I am stronger than I think. Thomas Merton

Yesterday, I woke up and for a few minutes I didn’t remember.  I laid in bed, playing on my phone. I checked Facebook and saw my yoga teacher, Tommy, posted a picture of the quote I gave him on our last day of teacher training, with a caption, Perhaps, I am stronger than I think.  He had no idea of the day’s significance.  Everything is connected.

I decided to spend the day contemplating and living the seven universal truths, a concept that really resonated with me during training. A universal truth or axiom is something that is true no matter the time, space or situation.

As I got ready, I blasted, Starlight by Muse and danced around and sang to my dog, Bear. He already knows I’m crazy and he was not amused.  His disinterest only made me laugh, which, I know, deep down, makes him happy.  Laughter and play are the fountains of youth.

Unfortunately, yesterday was the day I had to get my monthly check-up at the hospital. Fortunately, I got one of my favorite nurses, who is Canadian and loves to talk with me in French.  We caught up and completely out of the blue, she asked me if I meditate, which prompted a conversation about the inner capacity for healing, a concept not generally accepted by the western medical community. A coincidence?  No, it’s all connected.  After our long discussion, she gave me my monthly injection of Lanreotide, the $16,000 medication that keeps me healthy.  Can we all just take a moment and be grateful for health insurance?

I finished at the hospital early, which never happens, so I walked down to Jeni’s Ice Cream.  This was the place I went after nearly every chemo treatment because I was obsessed with anything and everything cold. Coincidently (or totally not), my 2nd cousin was working behind the counter. Last August I met her for dinner after a chemo treatment with my freshly shaved head and haven’t seen her since. I repeat, everything is connected.

Exercise and rest are the keys to vibrant health. From Jeni’s, I walked over to the yoga studio for a 75-minute class and coincidently ran into another person who impacted my journey over the past two years. It was Liz, who I was introduced to by a mutual friend and met for coffee last June.  She was the one who told me I should go to the Center for Yoga to do my yoga teacher training. I have not seen her since then and loved how the universe plopped her in my path on today of all days giving me the chance to thank her and chat about possible opportunities for teaching.

As I walked back, I thought about how cool it was to run into these people today.  I was exactly where I was supposed to be today and for the last two years – a hard concept to accept. However, I know this axiom to be true due to the steady stream of opportunities that come my way because of cancer.  A few examples: I’m living my dream of being a writer. I’ve met several people who inspire me through having overcome their own challenges with cancer, mental illness and addiction. I performed at the Bluebird Cafe. I finished the Camino. I graduated yoga teacher training and will start teaching next month.  Heck, just this week, I was approached with an opportunity to share my experience to aid in bringing new drugs and treatments to neuroendocrine cancer patients in the United States. All of this would have never happened if cancer did not enter my life. So, am I exactly where I’m suppose to be? Yes, I think so.

I arrived home to find my favorite person. The one who held my hand through it all and whose positivity never, ever wavers.  We did what we do every evening – greet each other with hugs and kisses and snuggle on the couch as we talk about our days.  Touch and intimacy are basic human needs.

As September 1st drew to a close on the 2 year anniversary of the scariest day of my life, I laid in bed thinking about the most powerful universal truth for me. Fear and pain are life’s greatest teachers. It’s hard to say I’m grateful for cancer, but I am so grateful for the innumerable lessons cancer has taught me, many of which revealed themselves in moments of fear and pain. I’ll share the most important one – All we have is the moment we are in right now. The present. None of us are guaranteed the future.  And yesterday I didn’t spend my time worrying about the future. I just enjoyed and was grateful for the day and the angels who resurfaced to bring life full circle and reminded me that over the last two years I’ve learned, I am stronger than I thought.

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My 1st head stand. I used the wall to get up, but, as you’ll see in the mirror, the rest is all me.

 

The Seven Universal Truths:
1. You are exactly where you’re supposed to be.
2. Fear and pain are life’s greatest teachers.
3. Laughter and play are the fountains of youth.
4. Exercise and rest are the keys to vibrant health.
5. Touch and intimacy are basic human needs.
6. Everything is impermanent.
7. Everything is connected.
Bonus truth: You are stronger than you think.

 

Releasing the Stress and Cancer Issues in Our Tissues

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87WSyMSm

As featured on curetoday.com

Whether we realize it or not, we hold emotional and physical tension in our bodies. We’ve all heard of someone pulling their back out or having neck pain while under stress. Maybe you’ve even experienced this first hand.

As for me, I thought I was doing good having made it through chemotherapy to help heal my physical body and seeing a therapist for the emotional and mental side. That is until I had an epiphany a few days into a 200 hour, 30-day intensive, yoga teacher training program this July.

After two major abdominal surgeries, I assumed my core was weak and I would struggle to get through six hours of yoga each day. In complete honesty, I had a weak core even before the surgeries. I’ll now confess I’ve always cheated when doing sit-ups, planks or any other abdominal exercise.

In the midst of a challenging hot Vinyasa yoga class, the teacher called out “boat pose” to the students. This is a posture where you to sit on your bottom and use your core to hold up your arms and legs. Normally, I would’ve just taken the opportunity to rest, but I decided to try and see what happened. I was excited and surprised because I was able to do it without much effort. A few days later, I did it again, this time holding for a bit longer. Determined not to let this pose beat me, I began shaking. My teacher came over and rested his hand on my leg and whispered, “It’s okay.” All of a sudden, without warning, I began crying uncontrollably. While this is not uncommon in yoga, it was surprising because it never happened to me before.

I had an epiphany and suddenly it all made sense. I realized I don’t avoid abdominal exercises because of the weakness in my core, but rather that is where I hold my tension and emotion, and as a result, I avoid this area to protect myself not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. Even as a kid, I remember always watching TV or sleeping with a hand on my belly. After connecting these dots, it’s not a surprise that is where cancer manifested after years of avoiding this area and using it as a storage facility for stress and unresolved emotions. It was at that moment of uncontrollable sobbing when I released a lifetime of pent-up tension, stress and emotion, and boy, did it feel good. Overnight, boat pose went from my nemesis to the enemy I wanted to keep close. I’m on a mission to release this pent-up stress and will be doing boat pose everyday from this point forward.

As cancer survivors, we are constantly listening to what our bodies are telling us from a physical standpoint, but are we doing the same from an emotional, mental and spiritual aspect? Doctors aim to heal our physical bodies, and that’s what we hire them to do. We can aid in this process by doing the best we can to take care of ourselves by eating well, exercising and getting good sleep. However, we are responsible for healing our bodies mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Sure, there are professionals who can guide us through the process, but only we can do the tough poses.

After sharing this story with the group in yoga teacher training, my teacher said, “We store our issues in our tissues.” I encourage you to explore what your body is telling you about your emotions, mind and spirit. Where do you store your issues, tension, stress and emotion? And what are you doing to release it so it doesn’t turn into something worse? Here are a few of my favorite resources:

Yoga. The American Cancer Society and many other nonprofits offer free classes to cancer survivors. If you’d rather stay at home, check out the YouTube channel, Yoga with Adriene, where you’ll find hundreds of free videos for every experience level and amount of time.

Meditation. There are many studies supporting meditation and the positive effects it has on our physical bodies. The documentary The Connection walks through the science of meditation and shares several stories of those who have reaped the benefits after being unwell. I also recommend the Headspace app, which provides free guided,10-minute meditations.

Daily Exercise. We all know we should, but it’s easy to find an excuse. No matter where you are in life, chances are you can find a few minutes (preferably, 30 or more) to break a sweat. As the saying goes, “Just do it!”

Laugh. It’s great medicine. Watch funny movies and surround yourself with those who know how to make you laugh. When I was sick, I watched hours of Jimmy Fallon, Lip Sync Battles and cat videos on YouTube.

Cry. Don’t hold it in. Get it out. If you’re not comfortable doing it in front of people, do it alone. It’s incredible how much better you can feel after a good cry.

Feel free to share other ways for releasing tension in the body.

Namaste.

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